‘She’s my f–king soulmate, dude!’
— Alex Rodriguez, quoted in US magazine.
Uriah the Hittite, at left, with with King David
Many people are confused about what’s going on between Madonna and Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez, the Yankee ballplayer. And it is a confusing situation, until we understand the concept of soulmates as described in the Zohar. Specifically, we need to look at the Zohar’s interpretation of what happened between King David, his sexy girlfriend (later wife) Batsheva, and the poor schmuck (not really) named Uriah the Hittite, Batsheva’s erstwhile husband.
It started like this. Relatively early in his career David had a meeting with God in which he voiced some concerns about his legacy. David said (this is not an exact quote), "I’ve noticed that a lot of prayers and other holy writings refer to ‘Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.’ Maybe that could be changed to ‘Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and David.’ After all, I slew Goliath, I’ve written some psalms, I can play the lyre, and I’m pretty capable all around. How about it?"
God replied, "It’s not just a matter of being capable. The Patriarchs of the Torah were severely tested. They got their balls busted many times. It wasn’t an easy process." He paused, then said: "Of course if you want to be tested it can be arranged."
David didn’t hesitate. "Test me then!"
Of course God had known from the beginning of time that David was going to come at him like this and everything was already set up. Even before the beginning of the world David and Batsheva were soul mates. They were literally two halves of th same soul! A huge part of their work in the physical world was to find each other and have sex. They didn’t consciously know it was a huge part of their work, but at the deepest levels of their beings this mysterious intention was active and searching, searching, searching. At the same time, all the negativity in the world was trying just as hard to keep them apart. The whole thing was a hell of a struggle. In fact the Zohar says that when soulmates do manage to get together, it’s a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Red Sea.
The conventional wisdom is that when David saw the extremely hot Batsheva totally NUDE on a rooftop near his palace, he did a bad thing by getting her husband Uriah the Hittie killed so that he could fuck her. And it was a bad thing, or at least it could have been handled a lot better. But it was also a good thing, because it’s always good when soulmates find each other!
But there’s more. As usual, God killed two birds with one stone. Remember how David had asked to be tested? The terrible remorse David felt over the whole episode was David’s test. He cried like a baby, not just once but for many years. In Psalm 51 he wrote, ‘My sin is always before my eyes.’ He achieved teshuvah, or true repentance — which is also a miracle. So look at how many miracles God scored in just this one episode!
What’s the lesson for Madonna and Alex Rodriguez? Well, if they really feel they’re soulmates, they not only have the right but also the absolute obligation to bring about the miracle of their union. Whatever mess it might make is insignificant by comparison, and any obstacles that stand in the way are in service of the avatar of negativity, the Opponent, who is often called Reggie. Reggie may not have installed the obstacles, but he still benefits from them, so all obstacles have to be blown to smithereens! Ideally this is done as gracefully as possible — nobody should be killed if it can be avoided — but the main thing is to have a "whatever it takes" mindset and get on with it.
Fascinating, isn’t it? But one question may occur to you. Yes, you’re allowed to do anything and everything in order to link up with your soulmate — but how can you be sure who your soulmate is? What if it’s just somebody you’re really attracted to, but it’s not actually the other half of your own soul? What if you make a huge mess and it was just an infatuation?
The answer is really quite simple. Meet with your rabbi, explain the whole situation — don’t hold anything back! — and follow the rabbi’s instructions. That way you’re in the clear. If God gets pissed off, you tell him you were just following orders. Good luck!