When I was in high school and
college I started seeing work in literary magazines by a woman with this exotic name who wrote what every
other poet seemed too afraid to write—disturbing poems, violent, sexy, unspeakably
moving, grief-stricken, harrowing, cutting, beautiful, and yet the verse seemed skillfully controlled and peaceable. For me, most other poets sat in the back seat
and Ai drove (which is ironic because she never in her life, from what I
understand, possessed a driver’s license).
I sort of mythologized her, and I knew I wanted to be her kind of poet—if
the world would let me be one—fearless. I
know it might sound extreme, but why waste time on flowers when you have
knives? As I learned more about Ai, I
read her many books, felt her influence growing in me. Years and years later, I ended up at
where Ai taught creative writing. She
blurbed my first collection of poems, served on my dissertation committee. I have taught her books in many classes, and I
included three of her poems in the recent breakup and divorce anthology I
edited—a great honor for me. Last July,
we spoke on the telephone, and I sent her photos from my wedding. We e-mailed occasionally. I always wanted to stay on her good side. This
past Saturday afternoon, when I was sitting on a bench in front of my apartment
building in
Sometime on Wednesday, March 17th, the poet Ai checked into the
with pneumonia. As it turned out, she
had reached a very advanced stage of breast cancer and passed away comfortably
in the company of her family early Saturday morning, March 20th. Upon hearing this news, I completely broke
down, and I didn’t understand why. I’m supposed
to be tough (knives not flowers), but I could not stop crying. I feel that Ai was something of a poetic
mother to me. Later that afternoon, one
of her closest friends asked me my age and told me that my kundalini had
dropped or opened up or uncoiled and released some new emotion in me. I cried a little watching the movie Step Brothers this morning. What is wrong with me? I assume that the chaos will now ensue.
with telephone calls on Monday. Ditto
W.W. Norton & Co. Services will be
arranged. All that human stuff. But the poems, Ai’s poems, will remain as
immortal as ever. Here’s exquisite
proof:
We smile at each other
and I lean back against the wicker couch.
How does it feel to be dead? I say.
You touch my knees with your blue fingers.
And when you open your mouth,
a ball of yellow light falls to the floor
and burns a hole through it.
Don't tell me, I say. I don't want to hear.
Did you ever, you start,
wear a certain kind of silk dress
and just by accident,
so inconsequential you barely notice it,
your fingers graze that dress
and you hear the sound of a knife cutting paper,
you see it too
and you realize how that image
is simply the extension of another image,
that your own life
is a chain of words
that one day will snap.
Words, you say, young girls in a circle, holding hands,
and beginning to rise heavenward
in their confirmation dresses,
like white helium balloons,
the wreathes of flowers on their heads spinning,
and above all that,
that's where I'm floating,
and that's what it's like
only ten times clearer,
ten times more horrible.
Could anyone alive survive it?